In the year 2024, we get virtual front row seats in the lives of strangers we never could have conceptualized 20 years ago. Our introduction to reality tv in the early 00s, and the later advent of social media, offered the world viewership on how people lived, what they drove, their education, their family, earning potential, health, marriage, etc etc. Everyday we can tap into the personal and often intimate lives of others, even those that were seemingly so far out of reach – by celebrity, geography or socioeconomic status, class or race. Reality TV and Social Media in many ways made us far more connected than ever before but also, highlighted more reasons to be discontent.

In some ways, society has been more accepting of the realities of womanhood and its imperfections than years before. Stories of runway models struggling with eating disorders haven’t made the same headlines, there has been social progress in women’s sexuality, the natural hair movement took YouTube by storm, there is less societal pressure for women to start families and self-care practices have been a trending google search for nearly a decade. Despite positive progress, there are instances where the pendulum swings the opposite direction. Instead of eating disorders, women are being diagnosed with body dysmorphia, job security is seemingly scarce, redpill content masquerades as the antithesis to women’s rights, black-owned natural hair products have gotten worse and legislation has been taken quite the turn (roe v wade and affirmative action).

There are a lot of things to complain about in the world that you may be able to relate to in your personal life. Oftentimes, the things we complain about are things our peers, family and friends groups can relate to. In effort to make light of hard times, some may find humor in joking about our shortcomings to lessen the load. Others do it to be perceived as personable, to signal relatability, to not be perceived as a threat and to cultivate connection. Connecting with people using insecurities could be a way to curate relationships.

Then there are times we make mistakes and call ourselves names that do not align to who we truly are (or aspire to be). In instances where we made an error, claiming stupidity, greediness, laziness and other adjectives are very easy to do. Some of it may be true, but, the more you speak negatively of yourself whether joking or serious, you begin to align with identity.

Newsflash, you don’t get brownie points for being humble, hating yourself or constantly putting yourself down, sweetie. 

Talking about how fat you are, how stupid you are, or how ugly you are only affirms the things you hate about yourself. The more you attribute yourself as a lesser person the more you and the world around you will perceive you that way. You block any potential you have within to manifest who you want to be by constantly making yourself the butt of the joke. Even if you were raised by clowns, toured the country and raised by ringley brothers, it’s not hot. 

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

― Lao Tzu

Self Deprecating humor can quickly become negative self-talk with a .99 cent bow to make a cheap thing look… decent. Have you ever had a conversation with someone where every sentence they uttered was a complaint? Now imagine if you had to hear someone complaining about themselves in every topic in efforts to create friendship. If you’re a self loathing, pity party of one you could probably relate and befriend the madness. But if you’re a well adjusted, confident, bad bitch you are going to feel pity hearing the chronic sob stories and be shocked at the cheap self shots. 

Self Deprecation or Self Criticism can be beneficial at addressing areas you need improvement and providing motivation to change. A negative but powerful motivator in cognitive behavior is shame. Powerful people have used shame to negatively influence entire populations of people through religion, legislation, entertainment, occupation, and education. But shame is often a feeling we feel at our own volition which is different from embarrassment, negative feelings based on external disapproval of one’s presentation of self. Shame is usually tied to embarrassment but, conversely embarrassment is not always linked to shame (Shott 1979). 

If one of your goals is to be more athletic but you can’t stop thinking about how you’ve never been athletic, don’t have the time and find it impossible, the likelihood of you manifesting failure becoming athletic is high. If doubt and failure are the negative emotions you feel most before conquering a goal, the less inclined you will be to achieve “x” goal. You will find that in effort to reduce feelings of llack of ability, you will avoid challenging tasks altogether to preserve your sense of self (Covington & Omelich 1979). Excluding yourself from achieving goals or aspirations is a product of high fear of failure; a negative thought and emotion linked to low-self esteem (McGregor and Elliot 2005). 

Step Away From Self Deprecating Humor 

As you work through your aspirations, monitor the positive feedback you receive as you achieve your goals. Positive feedback greatly contributes commitment and continued success as it helps absolve imposter syndrome. Receiving affirmations on your commitments will reduce feelings of failure and will motivate you to succeed. Evaluative progress like tracking productivity, counting days in the gym, analyzing sales for your shop, increased engagement, positive feedback at work, and compliments provide evidence that your fears are feelings and not fact. 

By working through the things you complain about without the fear of failure and shame, you offer yourself the opportunity to not only achieve goals you found impossible, you open yourself to positive perception. Positive personal and external perception by way of goal achieving will decrease your vulnerability and increase your esteem. High shame individuals internalize their failures as self-blame which leads to increased anxiety, depression, hostility, defensive narcissism, and external locus of control (Buss, 2001; Cook 1989; Harder, 1995; Tangney, 1995). 

A person that carries high shame and high self blame will take on the responsibilities and accountability of people set out to take advantage and even harm them. There is a difference between holding yourself accountable and becoming a scapegoat. Often, people who are scapegoated in one place take on that role in other areas including work. The risk of being perceived as a poor performer can have positive consequences to motivate you to perform well. Conversely, that threat of shame helps socialize employees to perform in ways toxic companies may expect as appropriate behavior. 

Joke About Your Wins

You can be aware of your shortcomings and still speak positivity over your life. The proof of goodness is in everything you choose to succeed in. You can be aware of past failures and still become the person you would like to be. To make it happen despite the self-doubt and regardless of the self-deprecating habit, do it to spite the past pity party version of yourself that I hope you grew out of. After all, the pressure will only get worssa the less you do the work and the more you masquerade as unkissed ass cheeks.