Late Night Post: Not Everything Warrants A Response

You do not have to react to everything looking to provoke or invoke a response. In effort to connect, defend or prove, we find ourselves overreacting or explaining things that really warrant silence or more thought. It causes us to be more anxious and anticipatory of other people’s thoughts and reactions. Our listening, observing and analyzing skills escape us when we feel inclined to respond too soon. A lot of our lack of stillness in moments where answers are demanded, we can say the wrong thing or speak too soon. 

There are times as a child and even as an adult I found myself responding and reacting to questions or situations that really demanded my patience and silence. In good faith, I would communicate to build closeness but found myself oversharing and inadvertently had others assume I was bragging about my accomplishments; I needed to be patient with those relationships. As a young woman, I found myself trying very hard to prove myself professionally, when I just needed to be silent to observe and learn. When I was pressured by romantic interests to weaken my boundaries I used patience and silence to command respect. 

It is very hard not to react when you are provoked. It’s very hard not to prove a point when you are being made to feel like you are wrong. Ego and fear tells you that everything and everyone warrants a response because “how dare they say/do the things to me” and “I am a good person, an intelligent person, worthy person” and you have to constantly defend yourself in ego. I have a family friend that isn’t necessarily my friend, but enjoys my business. We are not particularly close so when they asked a question I didn’t feel the need to answer, I didn’t. I just looked at them and smiled, still acknowledging them but quietly letting them know I wouldn’t answer them. 

Now, because I know them, I knew to have the boundary before it escalated. But, let’s say a stranger asks you a question that is not necessarily any of their business, you can also act like you didn’t hear it or say, “I am not interested in that question” and change the subject. Be kind, be polite but be firm. When I started working and became more comfortable with not knowing details or a subject matter I would take my time to answer questions or simply say, “I am not sure about this, let me get back to you on this.” 

Taking your time to come up with solutions, next steps, reactions and responses give you clarity that haste can not. It makes you less defensive in your approaches to difficulty and give you more emotional discipline the less you are quick to react. Do not be afraid to ignore someone after they have disrespected you. Many people, unfortunately, deeply battle with low self esteem, abandonment issues and narcissism. Their need for a reaction out of you will drain you until you are empty because they are always short of attention. 

So, what do you do in that instance? You stay firm in your silence and articulate that you will not tolerate being spoken to or made to feel that way. If it persists, you remove their access to you. People and institutions worth their salt will not only respect you and your boundary because it is done with grace and integrity. People and institutions would fear that boundary because they desire power and control. Knowing the difference between who and what is worth a response requires patience, silence and a well balanced ego. 

“A smart person knows what to say. A wise person knows whether or not to say it.”