Friendships End And That’s Okay

As we navigate onward with age, the more our lives, experiences, and needs change. With every passing birthday comes transformation, progression and levels of adaptability.  Career switches, new favorite restaurants, romantic relationships and friendships all update as time flies by. 

In a 2014 study by Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst at Utrecht University, most friendships have an expiration of seven years. Nearly half of your friends may not be your ride or dies seven years from today. Many of our friendships don’t see past the seven year mark due to the in ability to be together under the same social context. More often than not, we make and maintain friendships through the closeness of neighborhood, school, work, social clubs, and hobbies. Life events like moving, career changes, marriage and parenting alter how often we see our friends.

“But what if its been less or more than 7 years and the relationship is drifting apart?”

Relationships naturally fade and that’s okay. Some people are not meant to be in your life for a lifetime, only for a season. Imagine how boring life would be if we kept the same exact people in our lives for a lifetime. Imagine having the same perspective on life and the world around you? How boring or stagnant would you be? The removal of some friends can also allow newer and more meaningful friendships to foster. This can also help how you perceive daily living with a fresh pair of eyes.

“I’m growing out of this friendship and I feel guilty.”

Do not feel guilty for your personal growth. As mentioned earlier, as we get older, our needs and experiences change. What remains however, is the need for someone to depend on, to trust and, have a good time with. If you find yourself not able to depend, trust, or have fun with someone you love dearly, then the relationship may need some evaluating and ending.

Life happens and sometimes our friends may not able to be there for us when we need them. But, if you find yourself constantly being the friend reaching out, making visits, supporting, uplifting, sharing and nurturing, you may need to do an audit. As cliche as this sounds, friendship is a two-way street. If one road is constantly blocked off and unable to expand, its a dead-end. 

Do not feel guilty for choosing peace over friendship in your life. 

“Sooo, how do I break up with a friend?”

Since friendships are not as formal and structured like romantic relationships, break ups with friends tend to be a little complicated. Break-up methodology is contingent on the type of relationship you shared and kind of person they are. Some relationships warrant a conversation, some naturally drift, others require ex-communication or “ghosting.” 

Let’s say a friend did something really f* up, its up to you to determine if its worth having a dialogue based on the level of heinous you deem the action. If the person denies their involvement, isn’t remorseful or downplays the situation – let ’em go.  You can’t trust people who can’t own up to their mistakes, they tend to be liars, manipulative and, likely do it again. If they apologize, show true remorse and you believe them, you can keep them around but, compartmentalize. Forgive your friends when they’ve hurt you but remember their limits.

Compartmentalize, to divide into sections and categories.

Some people are great social friends, business friends, going out to eat friends, talk you off a ledge friends, FaceTime friends, binge watch TV show friends, like family friends, etc. Like jobs, people get promoted and demoted based on their performance, if your friend hasn’t been showing up for you in the ways you need them to its time to audit. You know how far they can go and its up to you to manage the terms of the relationship. How much are you willing to put up with ol’ girl or ol’ boy given what they’ve done or said in the past?

Questions for your audit:

1. Can I depend on this person?
2. How can I depend on this person?
3. Do I trust this person?
4. Do I enjoy this person?
5. Do I feel supported, nurtured and protected in this friendship?
6. Can I be honest with this person without it going left?
7. Is this important to me? 

These questions are basic questions to ask yourself when evaluating your circle. These questions will help you determine whether or not a conversation is safe or necessary to have with your friend and where to place them in your life. 

“Okay but, it feels like I’m dropping all my friends.” 

If you are finding yourself dropping all of your friends at once, brace yourself toots, you might be the problem. If every single one of your friendships are failing, have you been a good friend? Be really honest with yourself. Are you someone people can depend on? Can you be trusted? Are you a joy to be around? How have you showed up for your friends? Are you too clingy or demanding? Why do you want these friendships? What is important to you in maintaining friendships? Are these friendships worth maintaining?

“But we’ve been friends for years! I can’t let this friendship go!”

I get it, you’ve invested so much time and energy into this person. Your families watched you guys grow. This person was like a brother or sister to you and now there’s something missing! You’ve tried communicating, scheduled dates, made phone calls, all forms of nurturing the relationship and to no avail, you can’t ignore the space between you two. You’re exhausted from feeling unappreciated, not respected and alone in the relationship, and don’t know what to do. 

WAKE UP! 

They’re either going through a difficult season (or not) and need some space or ghosting you. Here’s the thing, some of you have sickening co-dependent tendencies that make it difficult for people who need more freedom in a friendship to be fully present and actually miss you. FaceTiming, calling and texting everyday isn’t always indicative of a healthy relationship. Some people find it quite annoying, especially if they’re busy or going through their own s*it. Know who your friends are and give them the space they need before jumping like Jordan to conclusions about the strength of the relationship. If they care enough to piece together the remnants of the relationship, they’ll return. If not, charge it to the game and make new ones!

Whatever the reasons is, stop giving yourself migraines trying to understand what went wrong. Give yourself time to analyze a bit and move forward. If you feel like it’s over, it’s over. If it’s worth saving, do your best and BE PATIENT!

Be okay with transition. 

Sometimes we are placed in a growth period that requires a little bit of solitude to keep us grounded, focused and, quiet. It may be difficult, lonely and boring but, that gives you space to create, free from distraction and outside influence. After all, if you aren’t comfortable in your own company, do you really expect someone else to enjoy it with you? 

Until next time!