Do You Want To Be Right or Happy?

I’ve had to ask myself and others this question often to free ourselves from unproductive contention. 

Very early in my previous relationship we went through the honeymoon phase, then quickly found ourselves in disagreements and arguments that to me, really wasn’t necessary. From my perspective, these disputes weren’t even worth arguing about, the topics should already be understood. I’m sure for him, viceversa. But, when we were in these disagreements we became defensive, voices elevated out of frustration, repeating our case until we we’re both worn out; some issues didn’t get solved and the same problem popped up again. 

The challenge with being defensive is, in effort to prove we are right we lose sight of understanding. When we are defensive and have all these walls up, we want to protect ourselves from a potential attack. We guard ourselves from being and feeling disrespected and being misunderstood. Operating from a place of defense, doesn’t offer you the wisdom you receive from understanding another persons’ perspective. You won’t be able to understand and learn who your partner is if you are constantly trying to prove that your way of thinking and being is THE way. 

Here’s the thing, you do not have to align on everything that your partner says, does, or thinks. Their perspective of the world is based on their childhood, their strengths, their weaknesses, their past and hopes for the future. At the basis of it, you have to know whether or not this person respects you, is trustworthy, values you, shares the same morals, supplies you with what you need in the relationship, loves you, cares for you, shows up for you the way that you need, etc etc. You won’t learn these things about a partner if you keep operating in defense and not allow your partner to teach you how they perceive the world in the same ways. 

Bickering about and having disagreements, with no amicable solution because of the fear of vulnerability, drives a wedge in what we deeply desire – deep connection; to be seen, to be heard and valued. The need to constantly prove we are right is just the frustrated way of saying “I desire to be understood and feel safe”. That level of honesty is perceived as a weakness and a potential weapon to be used later on. There are times I chose to be happy when I knew I was right because the argument, in the grand scheme of things, did not matter. Being right is pride, being happy is peace. 

Now this advice isn’t for emotional, physically or financially abusive relationships – run for the hills and don’t look back. This is for the lovers who are in a rough patch or had to spend some time apart where there is room for reconciliation. Not seeing eye to eye is normal. Each of us has baggage we need help unpacking. Trust your judgment that you chose the right person to go through life with you in this season (or life) and know that being happy is the most important. If being happy hasn’t helped then at least you know you can let go with understanding and move on in peace. 

Do you want to be right or happy?