Do I Really Love Me? By Brianna

Do you really love you? In today’s society, many of us will answer this question in front of others with a quick yeah. But like… do you really love you? Do you even know you? Do you even know what love is? Do you know the way you should love yourself? QTNA!!! These answers aren’t found in viral self help books. These answers aren’t found on your favorite self-proclaimed guru’s Instagram. These answers are found through digging. The problem is we don’t like to dig. Digging sucks. Nothing about digging is cute, easy, or quick. In order to dig, you’re going to need strength, determination, and time. You’re going to need to be willing to get dirty, and be covered in the mess that lies within. The mess of trauma. The mess of people pleasing. The mess of performance. Whatever your mess is, you need to brace yourself to get your hands filthy.

Luckily, I’ve done quite a bit of digging, and here are a few precious gems I’ve found along the way that can help with your personal digging.

Gem 1. You are who God says you are. Point, blank, period. You can’t love who you don’t know. So who are you? As a creation, you are simply defined by your Creator. Whether or not you believe in God The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I believe it for you that He is the one who created you. You are too complex, precious, and unique to have been formed by a coincidental bang and meshing of atoms and elements. The universe simply could never. You were handcrafted–piece by piece, bit by bit, knitted and molded together. Intentionally, carefully. 

What helped me with my identity the most is Matthew 3:17. Personally, I’ve spent a large part of my life defining myself based on what I had, what I did, and what others thought of me. 0/10 do not recommend. Matthew 3:17 is so profound, because God the Father is affirming Jesus before He did anything. Before the miracles, signs and wonders. Before the healing and resurrections. Before the teachings, preachings, and rebuking. Before anything,The Father says “This is my Son, whom I love, with whom I am well pleased.” And then Jesus went on to do amazing things. Jesus didn’t work to be loved. Jesus didn’t perform miracles in order to be acknowledged by God. Jesus simply was Jesus, and God was like, yeah, I love you, just as you are.  That blew my mind. It highlighted how conditional my love was towards myself, and how I project that conditional love onto others. If we’re being real, many of us grapple with the mindset of being deemed worthy of love based on our performance, materials, or what we can give. Meanwhile, the God of the universe loves you right where you are. Mistakes and all. Flaws and all. With or without a dime, degree, job, spouse, or teeth. You are loved. 

Gem 2. How you love yourself is key. Often, we love ourselves based on how we love others. We love others based on our experiences. Our experiences shape our ideas and approach to love. Let’s paint a picture: say you weren’t affirmed much as a child–never called pretty, or handsome, smart, or talented. Time passes, and you find that you crave to be noticed and seen. You have a deep desire for someone to validate any part of you. So, you may change your appearance. You may start striving to excel at work. You may start overextending yourself to be available to any and everyone’s requests. You may get into a relationship where you hang on your partner’s every compliment and strive to impress and satisfy them. You’re performing. And in your performance, that’s where you receive the affirmation you’ve been craving all your life. The heart eyes under your IG posts become affirmation. The DMs become your definition; the attention at work and love on LinkedIn, is your dopamine fix. People’s dependence on you determines your worthiness. All of this is what makes you love you. Your love of self, and of people, is now conditional and based on performance. If someone doesn’t say good job at work, you immediately think you’ve done something wrong. If your post doesn’t get enough likes and reactions, you second guess your looks. If someone doesn’t ask for your help or does something without you, you think you’ve messed up. Your love of self has become contingent on other’s perspectives and experiences of you. Your love towards others is contingent on how they see and affirm you. This is conditional love. This may very well not be your story. This is simply a (pretty realistic) example, meant to depict a flawed system that creates a flawed love dynamic. Your flawed system may be wired differently, thus having a different result in how you love. However we’re wired, we have deep rooted systems that dictate the way we love. As we uncover each layer, and dismantle these systems from the root, we can unlearn our unhealthy approaches to love. Then you must learn how to love. 

Gem 3. Agape love is the only love you need. Agape love is sacrificial love, the highest form of love. It is distinct from eros (intimate, sexual love) which we often confuse it for, hello. It is best seen and known, as the love God has for mankind. It’s the love that lays down your life for another (CC: Jesus). We are called to have agape love towards God and our spouses (not your boo!!!!), through submitting and surrendering our ways and desires for theirs. What we don’t always realize is that agape love is the love you need to have towards yourself. Love yourself sacrificially, relentlessly, and unconditionally. But how? Discipline! By doing things that bring present discomfort, with the promise of future growth. By setting intentional boundaries with toxic people, even if it costs you to feel guilty and end relationships that no longer serve you. By pushing past fear and laziness in order to seek a better lifestyle by developing a healthy relationship with food and exercise. It may look like going to therapy and going through the growing pains of learning to be vulnerable and emotionally available. My point here is that the gross, uncomfortable feelings suck at first, but as you learn to embrace them, you’ll learn how to love yourself. 

Learn to define yourself based on your true identity, and learn to love yourself right there. Your identity is not defined by your past mistakes or future goals. Your identity is you are a beautiful creation purposed to love and be loved. Your identity is not found in anything you have done, right or wrong. Your identity is not found in anything you have. Your identity is not found in your roles within your family or friend group. You are already whole, you just may need healing. You are already loved, you just may need to learn how to receive it. Self love goes beyond solo dates and nail appointments (but I am an advocate for both so keep doing what you do). Self love is radical, relentless, and pure. You deserve that for you. You deserve that from you.         

Submitted by Brianna Medina