Dating Down Is Dusty & Dangerous

A 2023 study of 42,000 males, spanning 9 countries, reports that unemployed men prefer their partner to be out of work. Relationships where the woman was the sole provider, men reported below average well-being than those in relationships where the man is the breadwinner or both partners are employed. Having a partner who is also unemployed makes men feel less bad and less self-critical about their unemployment. Men attach greater value to their own employment status than their partners. Men are socialized to be breadwinners and are often criticized for not living up to the standards of masculinity. Unemployment in men also runs the risk of enduring isolation and loneliness.

According to the APA, men experience a hit to their self-esteem, when their woman romantic partner experiences success. This success also negatively impacts how men perceive the future of the relationship. In instances where a woman outperformed her male partner in intellectual or social tasks, they experienced a dip in their implicit self-esteem. Despite not reporting feeling insecure to researchers, other tests used to gauge unspoken attitudes and feelings registered negative feelings and low-self esteem.  Money alone does not make men feel more insecure, social success also makes men very insecure. 

DDG knew for months this movie was a work in progress and a HUGE deal for Hailey and Hollywood. Knowing that we only know him through Hailey, he attempts to diminish her accomplishment by stating “he never saw it”, implying his disinterest in her work. 

Conversely, women did not register negative emotions when their partners outperformed or succeeded. Women felt more confident about the future of their relationships where a man’s failures made them fearful of the women eventually leaving them. Men’s negative emotions towards their women partners’ outperformance fuels their insecurities and resentment at their partners’ success. This explains why men may be more likely to perceive their partners’ success as failure of their own. 

A 2021 study shows that violent men who inflict intimate partner violence express insecure attachment (avoidant and anxious) and alexithymia, difficulty in articulating emotion. It also confirms that men raised in low quality maternal-filial relationships and average level of education (the ability to read and write in english), are indicative of alexithymia in the abusive men studied. High levels of education and good mother-child relationships guards against the development of alexithymia.

Insecurities in a man who is intimidated by your success and/or are unable to express their insecurities in a productive way will sabotage the relationship and potentially harm you. They will ruin the entire relationship in fear of rejection and abandonment. Triggering a man into feeling emasculated by accomplishing your goals or simply being happy becomes a threat to your sense of self AND quality of life. If an unemployed man’s self-esteem increases by dating women who are both unemployed, the quality of life for that woman will be low. But when a man dates a woman who is more accomplished (beauty, friendships, professionally, etc.), it activates fear and resentment.

When we hear stories about men cheating on highly accomplished women, who they cheat with is always women who are “less” than the woman in relationship with them. Why? The need for an insecure man to feel masculine is validated through the approval of women who think highly of him or do not know the real him, the loser him. Some men, when not performing at their best,  go after women out of their league to increase their sense of self.

Although feeling like or being a loser  sitting next to a winner by proxy makes him feel like a winner as well. Eventually that backfires when the winner keeps winning and the loser takes perpetual Ls. It becomes extremely difficult for the loser to support, congratulate and not compete with someone who is always winning. 

“For a lot of us, especially where I grew up and men in general, we don’t have emotional cues from when we were young. Our emotional cue is ‘Be a man. – Jay Z on cheating on Beyonce 

So, how do men, brittled with jealousy and resentment, attempt to win when they were never qualified to compete in the first place and ensure romantic retention? By attacking the very thing that is a constant hit to them by a woman’s success, self-esteem. Some of it can be subtle and build up to more obvious instances, commenting on make-up, encouraging women not to hang out with certain friends (isolation), public humiliation, downplaying accomplishments, not congratulating, policing your clothing, bread-crumbing (to make you chase their love), picking arguments to distract you.

There was nothing wrong with what Keke had on, it was the proximity to equally successful men that her baby daddy could not compete or “defeat”. He would be further emasculated in his attempt so he chose to try to embarrass Keke guilt trip her into not being desired by “more qualified men” and avoid addressing the man with the potential to whisk her away. 

Then the more harmful attacks when the subtle ones did not work to change your quality of life (to match or go below theirs), physically disrespecting boundaries,  pregnancy, overt jealousy, accusing you of cheating, raging when you receive male attention, looking at women they don’t even find attractive to make you feel insecure, telling you negative opinions people said about you (triangulation). When those subtle  and not so subtle attacks  don’t work, they may attempt pregnancy, financial abuse, becoming violent because they need to control their fear of you leaving and their false sense of self.

Men and women will guilt trip you into giving men who have not reached yours or even their level of success as a man. Their inability to succeed becomes a woman’s problem of out performance, as highlighted in the study above, your success is perceived at their failure. They would rather you  two be homeless with them than making money without them.  There is no honor sticking behind a man who battles accomplishing his own personal and fiscal goals, allowing them to use you and your glory  to make him feel like a man. That is not your job as a woman and you are not sold as a door mat at Costco. Go for the gold because that is who you are. 

There is love outside of dating losers and before you know it, you forget they even existed.

PS:  If you liked this, read Dream Girls Don’t Do Situationships

And this…  High Self Esteem Reduces Low Quality Experiences

Andddd this… Do You Love Yourself If You Still Play In Trash?