Be More Demure, Very Mindful About Communicating Conflict

Unless you’ve been splitting bills with Patrick Star then you know its retrograde season. Mercury is appearing to be moving slower and backward in the solar system at this time. Mercury is the ruling planet of communication so you already know communication is going awry; technology is moving slower, not at all or just out right being hacked. This is the perfect time to exercise what you’ve been praying for: patience, strength and peace of mind. 

In this season of Ask Yana For Advice, I’ve been asked about managing relationship hiccups amongst co-workers and lovers. In both relationship dynamics, friends of the blog were struggling with the feelings of being ignored or misunderstood in their workplace or with men. Some were so frustrated that they expressed feelings of wanting to dissolve their professional and romantic endeavors all together. Been there, done that, (seldom do I regret it).

But I encouraged them to be more mindful of the consequences of such rash decisions. I, too, am a victim of ending things hastily because I myself could not handle the many emotions of feeling misunderstood and ignored. It all worked out in the end of course but, here’s how I suggested they maneuver things differently in a more demure, very mindful, less abrasive way. 

Communicate the facts first, feelings later and be patient to respond. Now when I say facts, I literally mean to retell the event that caused these feelings within you in the first place. Plainly express how it made you feel and wait for the receiver to respond. Don’t go in approaching someone who may or may not even be cognizant of what they’re doing from a defensive or accusatory place. Give people less of an opportunity to attack you when you’re already hurting when the goal is to problem solve. 

Scenario 1: A co-worker or lover spoke to you in a tone you found disrespectful & crossed a boundary. 

Solution 1: In a private setting say, “Hey [insert co-worker’s or boo’s name here] I noticed [insert event] happened the other day and I wanted to let you know I felt [insert feeling here]. Going forward I would appreciate it if we communicated this way [insert how you prefer to solve said conflict] instead. I know that we are on the same team so I would be remiss if I did not offer you the opportunity to understand how I was feeling. 

People who respect you, care about your feelings, and the relationship will receive this message thoughtfully, apologize and will quickly implement the solution for the greater good of the relationship. People have bad days, some have bad hearts but, if you do not communicate to decipher between the two you’ll find yourself in more conflicts of the heart or worse, unemployed. Holding yourself accountable by taking your emotions out of a situation that can be solved with a simple conversation prevents little tears in trust and overall respect.

Not everything and everyone should make you so emotionally charged that you lose the entire plot. 

There are some instances where people are intentionally trying to provoke you because it satiates the fragile ego. While it is frustrating to experience and bear witness, it is even more pitiful for the other person initiating the chaos because of their poorly managed low-self esteem. And if you react poorly while being provoked, the agent of chaos and calamity gets what they want, an ego boost, and you’re left with the consequence of being manipulated into anger.

Some people just don’t know how to be grateful to have you because they are too busy battling their self worth around you.

We see this dynamic all the time, a gorgeous girl has a lot going for herself, she gives a man she thinks is nice but not quite her type a chance and he begins to neg her in attempts to humble her. Or he tries to have her chase him because he can not possibly be himself and still be desired by such a woman, or any at all. 

Scenario 1: You meet a man, things are going pretty good and then boom, he’s negging, being hot and cold, making last minute plans or none at all, and overall being a schlep. 

Solution 1: I typically ghost low hanging fruit if the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. But if you are so inclined to make a statement, keep it short and to the point; always remove yourself gracefully in the process. Simply say, “This is not what I am looking for in a relationship” and leave it at that. It doesn’t have to be a four page love letter about why you deserve a man that’ll treat you right. You don’t have to tell men who’ve watched all the movies and heard all the things we heard growing up about courtship how to properly court women. If you are constantly explaining how things should be done in the beginning it may never end. 

The more you entertain men committed to wasting your time, the more you create false bonds with them. The relationship becomes less about getting to know one another and more about trying to convince him to court you intelligently. By the time you do receive a morsel of what you were looking for from this poo-put you don’t even want it anymore, it’s no longer special because you had to beg for the bare minimum. Don’t be that girl, be demure, alluring and hard to impress. 

Remember to be classy, always be a lady and don’t let anyone trick you out of your spot. xo