100 Degrees Hotter And Healthier With Nervous System Regulation

Being a healthy hottie is a mindset, a lifestyle, a way of being. Not everyone is born with and nurtured in environments that support this highly coveted reality. Due to the effects of transatlantic slavery, the patriarchy, and capitalism you have to be incredibly intentional about protecting your peace of mind, body and spirit. Part of protection is going to see that lady (a behavioral therapist),  getting rest, getting your big backed ass in the gym and, blocking Mr.Sex who’s been in and out of your life and unmentionables for the better half of the decade.

Women, Black women in particular, are socialized to be subservient, nurturing, excellent, grateful, humble… all encompassing with little recognition or reciprocity. The negative experiences we face through racism and misogyny may force us to operate out of survival to get to the next day. Some of our survival tactics are necessary for advancement but truly never worthy of internalization. We may code switch, swallow disrespect, not speak up in meetings, not pursue higher education, deny ourselves of aspirational goals, pose as a non threat, etcetera, to avoid contention. In the end, there is but so much molding and bending we can do until we realize we are trying to contort ourselves to accommodate spaces that we are just too big for.

We’ve all been given the spiritual advice to just pray on hard times and things will get better. I, too, believe in the power of prayer. I do believe God can and will provide protection, guidance balance and/or a new thing, should we ask and believe that He will. However, honest sessions with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist should happen in the meanwhile. Pure badness is about self awareness & acceptance. You can’t heal what you won’t reveal, you get easily played when you aren’t cognizant of your weakness (or strengths). You may not yet know how powerful you are because your soundboard is full of noise. The lady can help you unpack that but it requires radical honesty.

Last year, with the help of a therapist, I decided I needed to sit my ass down and take leave. Personal and professional stress was affecting me in ways I did not have the tools to manage alone. One of the greatest laws that we need to exercise is the right to take FMLA. Fears of not being perceived as professional, job loss and a whole host of other things raced in the back of my mind in a season I prayed to God to relieve me from.  I found a great LCMSW to help me navigate all of my struggles in months and approved my leave papers so that I can get the time I needed to heal. It was a rough couple of months, my skin was breaking out, I was crying more than normal and my hobbies didn’t even make me happy anymore. But, through therapy I got my groove back, I’m a better friend to myself, a better professional and I’m ever so grateful for that experience.

The greatest thing I learned from therapy is that you have to actually do the things you want to do even if you are scared to do it. If you want out of that anxiety and depression you need to get your ass up and work on the things you believe will make you happy even if it scares you. Then, you have to believe that you are deserving of the things you are asking for despite evidence of being denied a thing. The more hours you work towards something and learn how to perfect it, the less you will be denied access, entry or success. But, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy alone is not going to make your nervous system or your hottie appeal skyrocket in a couple sessions you need to get on the stair-master or the very least book a Thai Massage.

Somatic Therapy has been proven to be a lot more effective in treating PTSD than CBT but it is often not covered by most insurance providers. If CBT hasn’t worked for you then you gon’ have to get with the program and make that $36 LA Fitness payment worth a damn. Don’t be deluded… bitching and moaning about getting back in the gym is NOT going to make your life easier. No one is also holding a gun to your head to go daily. But damnit, give yourself at least 2 days a week to release some endorphins. Or would you rather be a freaky frog and release dopamine with a man that doesn’t love himself?

If you take a quick scroll through Reddit you can find 100 stories of women staying with men who should have left during Obama’s first term. I’ve seen so many AITA stories of women debating on leaving men who they put through college, were incredibly financially useless, were off an on for decades, never complimented them or helped with the kids and, in the end, are caught being cheaters, deadbeats and all around weirdos. Many of these women poured so much of themselves into a man that now, they need permission from strangers to leave the hobosexuals and the promiscuous alone.

Let’s play pretend. Imagine your friend calls you in a frenzy. Her name is… Gullible Gracie. and her man have been off and on for a rocky 10 years; they finally got married. She finds out he’s been cheating on her for 9 of the 10 years and the discoveries are horrible. The man has a baby, an onlyfans account and he’s been inappropriately emailing both men and women. She asks you whether or not she should leave and ask for spousal support, the house, the business and cars. Imagine asking for permission to leave with the very least you are owed?

Many women fear leaving men because they are more afraid of their own solitude than the possibility of a changed man or they fear their value outside of a man’s gaze. In an effort to avoid their fears of loneliness and unworthiness, they bargain their standards for fleeting moments of comfort. Only to be reminded that the company they keep is exhibiting behavior they’d never thought they’d welcome. And it happens so suddenly, pink flags pile up until one day they’re laying next to red wrestling with the idea of leaving. Happy couples always talk about how they never left the honeymoon phase, they are actively growing together and absolutely adore and respect each other. But waiting on someone to become someone they are not will only make you resentful, defeated, anxious and unregulated. But you have to know yourself and what you want to make that final call.

None of the advice in this blog will be easy for a non-bonafide baddie. This level of confidence to be honest with yourself, accountable, disciplined and selective are the makings of a diva. Not everyone is going to have their dream life because not everyone wants to do the dirty work to make it happen if it isn’t second nature. Many wanna be divas give up when the work gets tough or the sex is good enough to get by. But what are you gonna do, open your legs or play your game?

What are someways you’ve been regulating your nervous system? My most practical one right now is making sure I slow down before bed by reading and journaling.

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